Funeral Etiquette Part 2 - The President's Blog for October 16, 2009

[Pastor Leonard A. Johnson]

Share your ideas. Ask your questions.

Given the significant response to last week’s update on Funeral Etiquette (which was also carried in one of the local daily newspapers --the Nassau Guardian), I thought to do an additional article related to funeral. Hopefully, it will address some of the suggestions and concerns noted by some of you.

Home Going
For some Seventh-day Adventists locally, the term “Home Going” is most repulsive and unacceptable when speaking about what happens to an individual following death. There is no such thing as a “Home Going” they contend. However, is that really so? Well, it depends on the time when the dead in Christ is raised. If it is at the second coming, that can be considered “Home Going.” At that time both the dead in Christ and the living righteous are caught up together to not only meet the Lord but to go to their heavenly home for a thousand years. In that sense a “Home Going” is undeniable and acceptable. As for going anywhere following death, one goes to the grave and awaits his reward, hopefully at the first resurrection, for on the second there is no living forever as noted in Revelation 20. The Bible speaks about going to the grave at death and not to heaven or hell as we commonly hear loosely at many non-Adventist funerals. Says Jesus in
John’s Gospel 5:28, “All that are in the grave shall hear His voice.”

Respect for the Office of Pastor
Respect for the office of the pastor is crucial. While it is possible and not unusual for family of the deceased to choose a pastor other than the host pastor, it is necessary and respectful to contact the church/host pastor initially. He is to be engaged in the planning of the service and should be allowed to speak with his/her colleague. That is not to say that family cannot talk directly with the pastor of their choice for the homily. However, to bypass the host pastor is not the right way to go about matters. The role of the pastor is essential as there is the need to inform different departments of the church so as to provide music, musician and serving ushers, etc. The pastor will also seek to guide and work with the family in preparing the order of service. In fact, with his experience it makes the work of the family so much easier. Additionally, he is able to facilitate a smoother moderating of the service thus allowing the service to move
along, so as to avoid a sense of disorder and unnecessary delay, or extension in the service time.
For those of you who requested an order of service, it is supplied in the Manual for Ministers. You may request a copy from your pastor.

Respect for the Requests of the Family
It is also important that pastors work with the family regarding their requests, once they fall within the practice and policies of the church. Non-Seventh-day Adventist family and friends may participate in the service, but they must not give the sermonette. As for reading a scripture or providing music, it is ok, but it is necessary that the pastor know what is to be sung so as to avoid embarrassment at the service. Some songs though popular around town may not reflect Adventists’ understanding of the state of the dead. Nevertheless, the point that I make about the requests of family members, depending on the nature of a relative’s death, may require much and most sensitive care and understanding. A pastor, mindful of this and demonstrating patience and tact, can do a lot to help and guide.

Following the Funeral Service
Post funeral service care is absolutely necessary and critical as grief affects and lingers with some persons more than with others. Pastors and elders should encourage members of a grief committee or ministry to keep in touch. Food preparation and assisting with house cleaning might be necessary. Therefore, my observation last week about so many persons wanting to have a say publicly in a service is so unbalanced. Some of those persons, or should I say that some of that unnecessary church time, could be employed in ministering to the family when it is most needed; and that is usually following the service.

Thought to Ponder
Elders and pastors, we (self included) need to make the effort to get back to having funerals that are Adventists in every aspect. I need not say that it begins with you and me. A service does not need to be eternal to make it worthwhile. Not every one needs to speak publicly. Not every one needs to sing at the service. However, we all need to pray for the grieving family and for the preacher. It is through the Word that God will get to speak to the living and minister to the grieving family. Of course that is not to say that the songs and tributes do not bless, but the point is too much is not needed. If we are not careful, the Word of God will be squeezed out.

Have a Happy and Blessed Sabbath, and Continue to Support Bahamas Academy.
Windows and Doors are Needed!

[Barrington Brennen]

Usually the Pathfinder Honor Guard are used at funerals when either, outstanding church leaders, pastors, members, who may have given their services to the Pathfinders or the church on at large in a very substantial way. Perhaps we can say that every member can have such a service. However, like a "State Funeral" or "Police Funeral" it only occurs for persons who have labored for that particular cause. On the other hand, even Deacons, Deaconess, can stand and honor guards. On the other hand "honor guards" will not change the spiritual status of the dead.

[roger rolle]

We are pleased to have the opportunity to connect our voices to this conversation.

We wish to commend the President for this forum and support his effort not only to talk, but to hear and to listen to the voices of the wider Adventist Community, on issues of practical importance.

We agree that not only should grief committees be encouraged in post funeral service care, but that our Pastors should ensure that they exist and function in each local church. It is recommended that the Pastor or the Head Elder serve as chairman of this committee to ensure the consistent and effective administration of this ministry and that a trained Family Life Representative or some member trained in Grief Management, be assigned to this committee as a professional support.

In agreement with the comments of Mrs. Ann Albury, and the common sentiments expressed among membership, during funeral services many of the comments and gestures from the pulpit would have been better translated if shared during the lifetime of our brothers and sisters. Many family members are bewildered by the mouths that resound choice words and wonderful accalades in memory of their loved one - while sometimes these same parties would have had opportunity to show kindness, and brotherly love to the now deceased, but literally chose to do otherwise - this kind of a behaviour, where found, is an hypocrisy! We must therefore, all by the grace of God, strive to let our "yea be yea and nay be nay" and to examine the manner in which we treat each other in life so that we are all good "public relation officers" (witnesses) for "the One with whom we have to do..." - the Lord, God Almighty!

Just to share a personal experience: In recent times, we lost a friend who was a baptized member of our Adventist Community and loved the Adventist faith and its people so dearly . But was so poorly dealt with by professing brothers and sisters that she resigned to worship at home. Upon death, we were made so sad by the reality that this family was so wounded that they refused to allow for the funeral services to even be held in any of our churches nor conducted by any of our pastors. While we ought not to be pleased with this kind of witness, this story is not meant to serve as an embarassment to us, but simply to encourage us to be real, because we live in a real world with cold and real situations to be dealt with by real people. The people who name the name of Christ should be encourage to make greater efforts to "get it right", the first time, by the grace of God. We ought not to leave the knowingly wounded, by the way and to carry on, business as usual. Now certainly we know that these cases probably exist every where, but we all have a duty to raise our awareness about the quality of our relationships within the body of Christ - so much so, that we love our neighbours as ourselves and that upon death, one does not feel that he /she cannot afford to miss the funeral service - the real role would have already been played. We would have already given our best to the Master, while that person was alive and really and truly, there is nothing to prove, simply by attendance to the funeral service .


On another note, notwithstanding that the achievements in a given lifetime may be recognized, the only matter that is of any consequence when we come to a dying pillow, is whether we would have made the Christ, our Saviour and Lord! It is amazing that in the church, just as is practiced in the world - depending on who one is "seen to be", we have a parade of great pontification for the "church elitist", and the "nobody", someone on the lower rung of the ladder of the social strata within the church, it is sometimes difficult to even find a musician to play at the service. Love and temperance should govern all of our deliberations, lest on these occasions, we give the appearance of "show-time!"

We recall in more than one instance, messages shared at funeral services by a prominent leaders in our Adventist Community: The messages were largely laced with personal stories that if closely examined could be seen as a distraction to the experience at hand and came off as somewhat, self-aggrandizing. The messages seemed to be placed in the setting of a comedy hour. It was rather disappointing to us, that during such a sensitive time for family, church family and friends, that from all appearances, there could have been little spiritual preparation for these messages. We believe that it may have become necessary that a little reminder or guidance be shared with even some of our ministers of the gospel who are given the important task of delivering the word of God in the funeral service and to the many in the congregation who may have yet to accept Christ as personal Saviour and Lord!

As it has been so fitly said time and time again, our little nation is filled with so many churches, ministries, preachers and wonderful orators, with sermons coming at us from every angle and a dime a dozen, so to speak, that there is very little that is new to the ear of the church-goer. What the church seems to be in desperate need of, is fewer orators, and exempiary leadership found in living epistles. This point is to emphasize that we believe, the length of the pastor's message is no substitute and should not overshadow the purpose and the content of a sermon, no matter what the service, funeral or otherwise. Any ministry taking place in the house of the Lord should be prepared in the same spirit of that of a sermon. We are all on God's time, in His House and everything should be done in decency and in order (by the spirit and in the spirit of God)!

Another consideration is that often there are persons in the lives of the deceased who were much closer to the deceased, than the speaker of the day, during their lifetime. With limitations, we believe that some regard ought to be given to this reality. In some cases, it may have been the expressed will of the deceased for this person/ persons to be given quality time to speak at the service. How do we relate to this? Many of the unnecessary remarks of presiding officers/moderators may also be curtailed in order to accommodate the more substantial contributions to be made.

This leads us to consider, that while a speaker/pastor/ minister should be given time to present "the word", just that should be done! The time should not be taken for grand-standing. In our humble opinion, all of the time in the service should be used wisely and it should not take 30 minutes of rambling before we can hear the word of the Lord. It has been said that 'if a pastor can not sum up his sermon in a sentence, that sermon is not worth preaching'. While this is not to be taken literally, I believe that we get the message. Because it is labelled the sermon, should not relieve the pastor of his duty to also use'the Lord's time and the people's time with great care and wisdom. This also leads us to the consideration that in many a Christian service, including funerals, if the Music is offered as a Ministry, it often resonates equally and in some instances more powerfully than some spoken messages. This is not a prejudice statement, but the sentiments expressed by many a congregation.

Many members have expressed their desire for their funeral services to be filled with the ministry of music, with a short message - if any at all, the ministry of prayer - an altar call for the unsaved in the congregation, and a call to the backslider for re-commitment. Can you advise how would our Adventist leadership relate to such a request?

Unfortunately, ours is a culture, which seems to glorify death - and the church has apparently followed suit in many instances. We are able to command many things to come forth and/or to stand still in death, that seem at no other time to receive any attention.

In closing we have two other questions:

1. Are the services of the Pathfinders available to every member of the church who passes away?

2. In addition, as per your recommendation for a return to Adventist funerals, kindly advise, what is considered an Adventist funeral or please guide us to a source for this information.

Blessings,

Roger & Allison Rolle

[Ann M. Albury]

Dear Pastor Johnson:

I appreciate your once again addressing these issues regarding the last rite of Seventh-day Adventists members/or funerals. I to have a problem with using the phrase "Home Going" as a Seventh-day Adventists because of the cultural use of that in regards o funeral services. Biblical we do accept that we will one day be united in a Great Home Going time, however, most use it, to the best of my understanding to implicate other theological meanings.
Shouldn't we then avoid the use of that all together!

I would like to mention an area that was not discussed on the blog as yet. Individuals also need to be sensitized, including our ministers, what are some of the more appropriate things to say to a grieving family/person. I am not only referring to social comments, but even understanding the spiritually what is appropriate. Maybe only those who have walked the road would understand, but in simple terms, I and many believers can write a book on 101 things not to say to a grieving person.

Thank you very much for the emphasis on the grief ministry and family support following the service. Christs' ministry was directed to those that were suffering and hurting. I yearn for the day when our programs would reflect that "touch' for humanity and the very heart of man.

Blessings to you.

Sis Ann