Funeral Etiquette - The President's Blog for October 9, 2009

[Pastor Leonard A. Johnson]

Very few experiences stress families as the passing of a loved one, especially if it was tragic or unexpected. It can demand unanticipated amounts of money, and, in some instances, it may require one to relate to several institutions inclusive of insurance companies, place of employment, funeral home, cemetery, family members, and in no way least a pastor, priest or elder, etc. And yet those visits and experiences do not constitute the end, as the service itself can take on the unexpected.

A Look at the Service
Condolences, Remarks and Tributes
Depending on several factors, funeral services tend to vary in length. For instance, the number of persons asked or requested to bring condolences, remarks and or tributes is a major factor. It is very unlikely if there are five or more persons giving remarks, though informed to stick to 2-3 minutes and reminded by printing of the same in the booklet, that everything will go as printed. Persons are likely to exceed the time. There is an aura or an appeal of a funeral audience that tempts even the shiest of persons to speak on. Don’t let some in the congregation say “Amen!” That’s an encouragement to forget the time limit and speak on. Unfortunately, by the time 2 or 3 persons would have spoken, it is likely that the speeches will become repetitious; but some persons still follow and repeat what was said. It is not fair to these individuals who were asked to bring remarks, but now they have been preempted. What is even more nerving is when the
notes of one are seen to include several pages for a 2 minutes condolence. On the other hand, that one has no notes do not mean a shorter speech. Equally annoying is when the remarks end in an unscheduled musical selection. Then there are those whose names are not printed but feel that they must speak.

Special Music or Musical Selection
Musical selection implies just singing. However, if you attended a few funerals, you would have witnessed persons giving remarks or a “sermonette” before singing, oblivious to the fact that time is moving and others are to follow - not to mention the pastor with the sermon or homily. In some churches, near the time for the musical item, an usher escorts the person to the front and reminds him/her of what he/she is down to do. So as soon as the person before him/her is finished, he/she (the singer) is in place to sing without unnecessarily extending the song or the service.

Reading the Obituary
Most persons read the obituary once they enter the church and sit down, especially if you are on time and fortunate to obtain a copy of the funeral brochure. So when someone reads it later, it is essentially repeating the information and utilizing time that could be used for another item.

Sermon/Homily
It is not necessary to preach a long sermon, especially after family and others have been sitting for a long time; neither is it fair to the pastor or priest to have to cut short his or her sermon because everybody prior to him/her took up the time, and a good number of persons left before the message. This raises a question: “What is the purpose of a funeral service?”

Purpose of the Funeral Service
While some focus on the person’s contribution is to be included in the service, there ought to be greater attention paid to God, the Creator of life. The sermon is not to speak to the dead but to the living. One’s destiny is sealed at the point of death, and thus nothing the preacher or anyone says or does can change that. Therefore, the living must be preached to; but when the time is taken up with extended preliminaries, it is possible that God is shortchanged.

All Can Play a Part
To ensure that the service goes well, it is extremely important that the family and the minister work together closely. The minister, while giving attention to the recommendations of the family, needs to give advice providing a suggested order of service. Additionally, family members should not be made to feel guilty if they have to say “no” to persons who are desirous of speaking or singing; for everyone cannot participate on the program. However, all can play a part in making the family feel loved and cared about. Has it occurred to us that signing the guest register, our presence at the service, as well as a short visit with the family are indicative of our care and concern?
A good suggestion is to spend that time with the family following the service when the crowd is dispersed. That is the time when loneliness is likely to set in. If we can visit then and sing, offer tribute, read appropriate passages of scripture and pray, it will do wonders for the grieving family. Another suggestion might be to have a memorial service to allow for more persons to speak and sing, etc. Even allowing a video camera to record all persons wishing to pass on condolences and play back later might save time.
If we are not careful, it is possible that funeral services will become more to do with us and not so much the dead. Let’s each determine that we will do our part to respect others, the family, the preacher and God. Remember it is all about acknowledging God and being reminded to live for Him!

Happy a Blessed Sabbath and Continue to Support Bahamas Academy
Windows and Doors are Needed!

[Tenera V. Armbrister-Carey]

Awesome discussion topic!

Thank you, Sis. Albury for sharing your insight. It certainly is the voice of experience that is the true "authority" - not the voice that speaks most eloquently or loudly. I agree with you 110%!

I second the call for leadership to develop a clear plan that brings the church back to its purpose. It is time to weed out the "foolishness" and get back to mission.

Today's reality: People are hurting. It would be great if we could put the pomp and circumstance aside and focus on the physical, emotional and spiritual needs of those who are screaming out for help.

[Ann M. Albury]

I agree with all that has been expressed thus far on this blog regarding this subject, but wanted to add a few areas that I think we can also share with our membership.
This is a very sensitive area that has been broached. However, I do believe that we are only skimming the surface when it come to issues about funerals within the SDA church. To respond to the those issues that have been raised. I think whatever an individual chooses to wear is up to them. Their are other dynamics that influences us other that tradition/culture when it comes to what we wear. Sometimes depending on the circumstances of death, will influence one's attire. Sudden death, tragic death, for example. I do believe that I would wear something different if my mother or father were to die. They have lived what we can term "a full life." Of course this statement can raise other theological issues, but I am presenting this from an emotional and psychological perspective.

In addition, after reading the president's article, I am not quite clear on the objective. I guess it can provoke further discussion. However, I think one of the things that can help in this problem is that we should all prepare in advance what we desire to have at our funerals. I have and some of you who are reading maybe on my program(smile) Before the passing of my husband and long, long before he ever became ill, many of these issues were discussed openly in our home. I feel that alot of problems come when the family is left to make decisions, which might not have even been the desire of the deceased, but rather we seemed guided by our emotions to please the family, relatives and friends.
So I say again PREPARE YOUR OWN SERVICE NOW.

I think we also need to emphasize that all the good that we seem to stand publicly and air at a funeral service, needs to have been said to the family and the deceased loved one, before when they were alive. So, my question is, should we even entertain this method within our services. I find as a Bahamian, that many of us only know how to give accolades at funerals. We are not an expressive nation with regard to our emotions outside of such an environment. As Christians we need to set the example. So I say, WE NEED TO SPEAK WELL TO THE LIVING PERSON AND FAMILY BEFORE THEY DIE! Then just maybe this rush, the pressure on family and demanding would disappear, because our conscious would be at peace.

Lastly, all of the outpouring before the service and at the service needs to be translated into a well thought out and planned program to minister to the grieving and hurting members of our church and the community. For those of us who have walked this road, Paul admonished us..."comfort us and you have been comforted." And trust me comfort does not come at a funeral service. Sometimes one can hardly recall who spoke, who shoke their hand, etc. I do commend the president for mentioning this, but this area needs alot more emphasis and attention than the funeral service itself. So I say, WE NEED TO DEVELOP A PURPOSEFUL MINISTRY TO HELP THE BROKEN HEARTED.

Each one of this points can be lined up with spiritual principles. That is the foundation upon which I speak.

Peace and blessings to all. From someone who has walked this lonely road.

[Audley Mitchell]

It seems funeral services are becoming more of a challenge every year. Whatever the challenge, we must look at the purpose of the service. What is it for? All services and functions of the Seventh-day Adventist Church are evangelistic. Whatever supports and enhances this mission must be encouraged; whatever hinders must be excluded.

At funerals we have a captive audience for the message, some of whom may never otherwise attend. These opportunities must be used to reach them. If the sermon comes after three hours of talk and bad singing :-), they may be a little less receptive to what is said.

Sadly, as with so many other things in the church, the pressure to be accommodating sometimes is allowed deter us from our mission. If we are Seventh-day Adventists with a mission from God, let this be reflected in everything we do, including our funeral services. The membership takes its cues from the leadership. I maintain, if the leaders lead, preach the message, carry out the mission, then the membership will fall in line in the work of the Lord.

[Regina McPhee]

You are right some people who are ask to do one thing get up and do there own thank. You can try and get them to sit down but it is hard. A funeral service to me can be short to two hours three if you must. The funeral is never for the person who is gone it is for the one who are still here. If the service is plan well you can be in and out under two hours as the bible said the dead know not a thing for the person is a sleep. One day the church may write up a protocol but will any one follow it? Only time will tell.

[Darell Taylor]

Pastor, I agree with your sentiments . We need to stress to persons planning the funeral that the purpose of a funeral service is to witness to the living. In my humble opinion too many times we use the funeral service to speak incessantly about the accomplishments and or life of the deceased - a memorial service can cover that adequately.

However, the funeral service if properly planned, should have all in attendance focusing on their lives and what, if anything, they can do to lead a more God-fearing life. A service does not need to take 4-5 hours to achieve this goal.

I cite here, only for the purpose of example, that the Jehovah's Witness Funerals last for no more than an hour! Perhaps we may need to seriously consider adopting a similar approach in relation to the duration of our service.

Is there a "funeral protocol for the church? I'm not only referring to the minister's manual but one for other members? If so perhaps now is an excellent time to educate us on the same.